Chapter 1: A New Journey

         Depression. It's a condition known by all and understood by none, that is, understood by none who are not living it. Which of you reading this feel like you don't fit in, that no one gets you? Do you feel like everyone is looking at you and judging you because you don't do the same things as everyone else? How is it possible that there are supposedly millions of people suffering from depression, but you can never connect with one other person who "just gets it"? Any if this sound familiar? If you are anything like me, it should. I live it everyday.

          This is my very first blog post(hence the title)and hopefully, a new way for me to both help other people, and help myself. I will start with my childhood and move through my life with additional chapters. Once I get to present day, I will post significant events as they come and turn them into more chapters. Anyway, a little about me. I am a 36 year old man, married for almost 7 years, and I have a 5 year old daughter. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for over 20 years. I have never been a drug user or drinker. I can count how many times I have been drunk and high( just weed)on one hand. I have always been surprised that I never got into hard drugs and drinking, as I was always looking for an escape. To be honest, I still am. I was a smoker for 21 years up until 2 weeks ago as it stopped being fun and was just a habit, as well as starting to affect my health. Anyways, thats me. Moving on...

           I got picked on a lot as a kid. I was never a popular kid in school. The other kids always thought I was weird. I never really knew why. I was just a kid though. Who knows they have depression at 8 years old ya know? My parents didn't help much. My father was very controlling and very erratic. One day, he would tell me what a piece of shit I was and the next, he would take me to dinner and buy me something I really wanted. He did this all the way into my 20's, but I will get more into that later. My mother was a decent mother, but she never really stood up for me with him, which caused a lot of resentment and anger. It still continues to this day. Once again, more about that later. Don't get me wrong. My childhood wasn't a completely miserable experience. My parents made good money and we had a nice house with nice things. We took some really nice vacations and had some great holidays together, but that was as far as it went. The importance of things took priority over the importance of love. Some kids have such bad childhoods, and I feel bad for complaining, but for me, the way I felt in my own little world was the worst it could get. Well, little did I know it would only get worse. (Keep an eye out for chapter 2, coming soon).